Monday, March 7, 2011

Yeah. I suck. I know.

I haven't been very good at keeping up with this, many of you probably have given up hope. But I'm back. I find myself in a quandry. At a crossroads even, and I have come here to sort it out. You're welcome to share your thoughts, or keep them to yourself, You WON'T offend me.

See, most of you know, my mother is fucking dying. and that sucks.

She's the only person I got who never judged me, always supported me even when I was dumb, Was there when I lost my babies, was there when I got divorced, when my kids were born, when i stood over my sons casket. For EVERYTHING. So its a double whammy. Like losing my best friend too. It's a hard pill to swallow.

And I have this husband, this man I told my mother I was gonna marry before I even knew him, and he's just too fucking stupid stubborn to get it. He cannot see that the alcohol leads to his actions, which leads to my reactions which leads him to act out only farther leaving me nearly hating him many days a week. And some of you reading this love him. And some of you think he's great. And Guess what? You're right! But what you don't know is there is a dark brooding mean side to him. A side where every hurt he's ever had is tucked away, only to escape after a day of heavy drinking and contemplating.

He wanders amidst all of us, full on tough guy biker persona in full effect, but truthfully theres always gonna be a hurt scared little boy in there who thinks he will never be anything. And I don't understand that. I don't understand having all the talent he has in so many ways, all the heart he has always helping someone else, and I know he has mad love for me, as much and as deep as he has ever loved anyone in his life. But at some point love is not enough.

People, I will fucking say it again. MY MOTHER IS FUCKING DYING! Could you suck it the fuck up, man up and chill the fuck out for the first time in four years? Could you let this be about me for once? Could you be sober for me to lean on you at any point? Could you realize that you have this woman, this woman that has stood by you when everybody else said fuck you, this girl that knew long ago, you were the love of her life, Can you pull your head out of your ass and think about all the support I've offered you? It's my turn, is that too much to ask? I am snapping, snapping into a reality in which I really just don't give a damn about a husband I have to babysit because he drinks too much.


Then I think. Jamie, your mom is dying. Do you want to go through that without him? Do you want to watch that and lose him all at the same time? Can you even do that? I mean really, how much loss must I suffer? 2 sons, now you want my fucking mom too? And in the middle of all this I am supposed to just keep being fucking strong and do the right thing, hold it all together, fix myself, fix my house, maybe save a marriage, or maybe what find a lawyer? At what point does it become stupidity on my part for needing him? I just don't know. I am afraid to stick tomy guns, afraid to maintain the no alcohol threat. What if he doesn't choose me? I'm not sure thats a heartbreak I want to inflict upon myself at this point. I know that there is a good guy there, I have seen him, been with him, loved him, but he so often gets lost within the evil beer and liquor drinker. And he cuts my soul to its core with his words, which causes a reaction in which I am out for blood and its an endless circle of emotional terror on everyones behalf.

I'm torn and I don't know where to go.

And I miss him.

and i don't want my mom to die...