Monday, January 3, 2011

This is me

And this is going to be my safe place. What I say here may sometimes be painful, sometimes be brutal, but it will always be honest and without filter. So much happening. So much going on. The harsh realization that I AM in fact losing my mother, the only best friend I've ever had for EVERYTHING... And my husband. I love him. Dear God or whoever or whatever, I love him. There's just something wrong. Something I can't fix. He is an alcoholic. I drink, I'm not knocking him like that. But my Trai, he doesn't know when to stop. And when he doesn't stop, he gets foolish. And he says mean things. Really, REALLY mean things. Lately I find myself not being able to drink for pleasure at all of our functions because I need to be the rational one, I need to be able to compensate for what he might do, or who might trigger him into a fit. One wrong word and a whole weekend can be ruined. One must stay on the toes. But really, in a case like that, how far does love go? When do you have to say "WHOA". I have so much going on. I am married to a man that I laid eyes on at a gas station in 1997 and told my mother I would marry. And in 2010, I did. But I can't fix him, I can't help him, I can't make him see. I can't stress the damage the same old same old behavior is causing... Him doing it causes me to fuss, fight, yell and cry, which in turn causes him to rebel and drink more, which makes me worse, which leads to a vicious circle in which we eventually call a truce (usually on Sunday, when there us work the next day and no drinking will be involved for a few days).
Yet, for some reason,some reason I cannot grasp, unless it really is women are from Venus and men are from Mars, He cannot grasp that the constant cycle of this over and over, every weekend, 4 days a week, for weeks on end makes me the disgruntled wife he doesn't understand. It's a reaction to your actions. Simple life stuff right there. But I love him, and I mean really LOVE him. I know what a good heart he has, I know what a good man he can be, I know how awesome he is sober, I know how much he loves me...
I guess, the point here is, I'm here. And I'm gonna be here. At any time day or night, when I have a Tilt a whirl in my head, I'm gonna dump it out here. You're welcome to relax, hang out and chat with me. Just don't be shocked by what I might say, my life is spinning and I'm trying not to puke!


  1. Hi Jamie,
    I really feel for you - i am so sorry.......iknow it's not an easy life. All i can say is that i was briefly (for 2 years) with a man who was an alcoholic and he did the same things your husband is doing. He was a good person too but when he drank he did stupid things and said mean things to me. Eventually it got down to the fact that i didn't like the person i had become when i was around him. So despite going to Alanon and trying desperately to get him to see what he was doing he could not see and i could not save him. Ultimately i had to leave him for my own sanity. I'm not saying that this is something you should do but just wanted you to know what i had to do in a similar situation.

    Sending you lots of hugs.
    Love, Violette

  2. Dear are going through a hell of a lot. I have been through some of the same shit, so I totally uderstand ! I think this blog is really gonna help you ..I am glad you created it! I wish there had been blogs when I was dragging through lifes pile of crap!

  3. Hi Jamie,
    I wish there was a way to ease your pain and turmoil. I can't imagine being in the position you are right now. I just hope you know that I'm thinking of you and sending you warm thoughts and lots of hugs.

  4. Jamie...babe I love you so much....and I know you're dealing with entirely too much at one time. The drinking is a constant numbness for trai. It was for Andy..but he finally decided to live. I pray for you...and I love you!

  5. Hey Jamie, I think this will help you alot! There are millions of woman that go through the same thing. Ive been there, one drunk and one meth head! He worked out of town so I was blind to it! There comes a point in life where we have to make a choice no matter how much it hurts, no matter how much we love, that love can not change them they have to want to change. You have so much on your plate, its time you think of yourself and your kids and if he wants to be part of that future great, he will stop. If not, your future will be better without the grief honey! I will be watching this post. Good luck, please stay strong!

  6. Hello Jamie! I've been through it. My ex-husband didn't live through it.

    Some things I've learned later in life about
    alcoholisum is that the person who craves the
    alcohol might have an overgrowth of yeast in their body that causes them to want to drink or they might of had a brain injury. The alcohol is only injurying the brain even more besides the liver and other parts of the body.

    I'll keep you and your family in my prayers!!!

    God Bless You and Yours!!!