Sunday, January 9, 2011

New meds,a birthday, rambling and guilt...

Well, I met the doc, Dr. Babatope. A jamaican woman, I figure around 40. Very nice, very easy to explain myself to. She'll be my med doc, there will be another for therapy. She gave me three meds, Lamictal, 25mg for the first 15 days, then 50 mg thereafter in the am. Then there is 20mg Celexa in the am as well. At night, she has me on Risperdal 1mg. Got the scripts filled yesterday. Had some wine at the birthday party, so I didn't start them until today. I was a bit scared the daytime meds would make me groggy as well, but they didn't today. Theres some pretty nasty side effects that are possible with all 3 of these, including meningitis with one, so we have to keep a close eye, but we're giving it a go. I do feel quite calm today, I'm going to assume thats the anxiety med she gave me. Might just be that we had a great time at Savannas party yesterday/ last night. Good times with the husband, friends and family...
Mom did good yesterday, up and in good spirits, having a good time most of the day and night. At 10pm when everyone got gone though, she was one tired puppy, but hell, we all were!! Savanna got money from everyone for her birthday, so she was thrilled. My sister took her on her birthday trip today. They had IHOP for breakfast, went to Gulf World in Panama City, she was part of the sea lion show, did the dolphin interaction activity, had all sorts of pictures made, then they headed to Pier Park for shopping and Margarittaville. Last I heard they were still at the restraunt, Savnna had spent her $125 she left out of here with and was enjoying her birthday Sunday. I'm glad. Savanna has been taking this thing with mom very bad. She needed the escape. She needed to go be a kid and not think about impending death and what she will do without her Ninnie. It makes me oh so happy for her, so glad she could do it, so glad my sister did it with her... Hmmm, all the kids get a birthday trip from her, suppose I do?? It's coming up real soon, haha.
Trai and I, well we've talked alot this weekend. Talked about me. About him. About the problems between us. About how I feel. How he feels. This weekend, its one of the best weekends I've had in a long time with Trai. Maybe we can keep it that way. Maybe he can hold it together. Maybe I can hold my end together. What we do know is there is much love between us. A powerful, sometimes all consuming love. And we both think thats worth fighting for.So we're trying...
Times are tight, and things are hard sometimes. But I gotta make the best of what I can. We only have 1 time here, and we don't have a clue how long that is, of all the people in the world I should know that. I should know, you could be 4 days old, 4 years old or 50 something. You just never know how long you have. I can't take the chance of NOT fixing everything I can, not doing my best, not trying my hardest and something happening, going out like that. Not when there is so much that can be done, so many ways to try...
I miss my babies. I miss them so much it hurts some days. But I have to learn its ok to not think of them somedays. It's ok to live life right now, with what I have, who I have and appreciate them. You can't appreciate everything if you're constantly looking over your shoulder in the past. And that doesn't just apply to the boys. It applies to all the hurt, between Trai and I, or anybody else. It's time to forgive for alot. Including forgiving myself for the deaths of my boys, because truthfully, theres nothing to forgive. Ir was never my fault. It was the life I was dealt. It was something horrible, unnecessary and life changing that like so many other things, we have no control over. It was not my fault, and I won't let myself think it was anymore.


  1. None of these things is now or has ever been your fault. You deserve peace so don't worry about labels, such seek the peace you deserve.

  2. I'm glad to know you are here in this room Jamie. I hope you can find peace in your soul. I truly know where you are coming from and I want to tell you I dont feel so alone myself now. When you lose a child, many people think you should just "get over it" after awhile. It doesnt happen that way. Your post has helped me because it has been only less than 3 years for me, and I thought the hurt would go away. It hasnt. After reading what you have written here, I dont feel guilty any more for the crying spells and heartache that comes upon me unexpectedly. That lady in the group..what you told her. I would have said exactly the same thing to her. She has no clue. Sometimes I shout those very words at people on tv when they complain about such things.
    I have tears in my eyes for what you wrote. But that's ok.

    I have hugs in my heart every day for your mom also.

  3. I hope things continue to go well for you along your journey! Much love to you! Always- Hanna

  4. I'm glad Savanna was able to have a good time on her birthday, Jamie. What a rough road you've all been on...I know it's not much, but I hope it brings you at least a little comfort to know there are a lot of us thinking about your mom and you and Savanna - all of your family - and sending all the good thoughts we can your way. Hope the treatments will help you get through this time... Hugs to you all.

  5. I'm sitting here crying still for you all, rereading what I wrote and it all just sounds so glib like something you'd just say - I wish I could say it all better...but my heart is going out to you and your mom, Jamie...Sending love to you.